Photo by José Luis Mieza (cc)
To be rather than to seem.
I had stopped by Simone’s blog a little earlier and her tagline caught my eye.
This is at the heart of why I’m an astrologer, I think. Astrology, to me, is a tool. We can use it to slip beneath the surface of ourselves, or the appearance of a situation, and discover the truth inside.
Astrology can help discern motivation. If you’re sensitive to nuance, you know that the reason a situation happens in the first place is really important… maybe even more important in the long run than the dramatic moments along the way. Two people can be fine accountants, but when one is driven by a love of beauty and order and the other haunted by a parent that told them they’d better pick a “safe” major, you have two very different people under matching facades.
Lord knows I seem “normal” (whatever normal is), at least until I open my mouth. I went round in circles for years trying to find a way to put a so-called “respectable” face on what I do here… or just leaving it out of conversation altogether. What do I do? Oh, I’m a chef, I’m a web designer, I’m teaching a class (nevermind what sort of class), I’m… yeah. All true answers, but I still felt like a liar.
I have an almost crippling need, sometimes, to put a lot of distance between myself and some of my less-grounded colleagues. But this year was finally the year I started to get over it a little. The amount of effort it took to pull off a double life, at least online, was staggering. And I’m a raging nerd; I spend hours and hours every day online. I get hives if the internet on my phone drops out, for cripes’ sakes.
I like to think I did a pretty good job of it, judging by the number of people I know who were shocked to find out what I “really” do, but eventually it wasn’t worth maintaining the facade.
Who am I trying to appear respectable to, anyway? People who won’t respect me or my work no matter the circumstances, because they’ve already decided what they think about astrology? Or about life, period? I worried about it for a long time. I was terrified that just by saying “I’m an astrologer” when someone asked me what I did, I would somehow end up like Dorothy and those damned shoes, except that I would magically turn into a purple-robe-wearing woo master instead of ending up in Kansas.
Kansas would be preferable, frankly.
And then one day I just said, screw it. People are going to think what they want anyway, and anyone who’s known me long enough to know me at all will just be curious how “the whole horoscope thing” fits into my relentlessly analytical brain. I told my friends that 2010 has been sort of my coming-out party, professionally. No one’s gotten me a fabulously gay cake yet, but a girl can hope.
:::
I started studying astrology earnestly because I was am a science nerd, and my whole high school career was designed to funnel me into being an astronomer (until I decided I loathed college-level physics). I was already a tarot reader, but wait… astrology involved lots of math! I must investigate!
And then some of it was right. Dammit! said my inner scientist. About me, about people I knew… so I tested it a little more. Do these parts work? Yeah, those apply too. So my circle of techniques I was willing to trust slowly widened, as I observed people in my life, asked questions, collected anecdotes. Even now, I only apply techniques when I’ve found them to be both reliable and useful.
Studying my own charts validated that there was a lot going on under the hood, yes. And it’s nice to be able to look at a piece of paper and know that there are reasons I feel crazy sometimes, that I’m not merely a basket case. That there is depth and order and meaning in the way I think and feel, and that those are driven by certain things even when I, or other people, sometimes wonder what’s behind it.
I became a professional astrologer because it’s a privilege to help other people go diving in their psyche, to uncover the reasons and motivations behind their patterns. It’s an honor to bring other people the same kind of validation I find. Not because it’s a shortcut, because it’s not… a chart isn’t a ticket to fame and riches and ease, otherwise every pro astrologer would be retired already. But if you’re at all intrigued by this, if it really piques your curiosity, it’s not because you’re looking for a shortcut; you’re looking for truth. And astrology is a window into every person’s own truth.
So yes, I’m tired of seeming. It’s finally less taxing, and less painful, to just be. Not that I’ve figured it all out… not by a long shot. But things have shifted, and that’s a good place for now. Alana wrote earlier about honoring the season we’re in, and that’s the space I’m in for the moment.
Happy solstice, whatever season you’re in.
Bravo! Thats a lesson most of us need to learn.
Thats a fabulous photo by the way. One of those amazing dreamspaces
Thanks traveller!
I love featuring Creative Commons artists on my site. Mieza is a Spanish photographer with an eye for older buildings and spaces. You can click on the photo for his Flickr profile.
A lot of his photos are very 12th house… I seem to find them when I’m feeling introspective.
Twitter: clover
WOW! So glad I provided a seed of something great for you. Esse quam videri is also the state motto of North Carolina.
One big gay cake coming up!
Twitter: simonebernhard
I was over reading your blog, and a while later that was just rolling around in my head. I’d already cranked out my 800 words for the day but I just had to sit back down and ruminate on that one for a bit.
The seed grew a little sprout, at least
Twitter: clover
How freeing it is to own up to who we truly are and stand in our truth. Scary too but as I read recently, fear is simply an acknowledgement of our growth. I appreciated hearing how you got to astrology and your belief that it’s another way to know ourselves better. I’m always down for that.
I hope you get that cake!
Fear shows you where your edges are, indeed. I felt a little more navel-gazey than usual on this one, so I’m glad you enjoyed reading it.
Maybe a cupcake, at least… this is pride parade weekend in Seattle! A little too early for my husband to be scandalized by it, but there’s always next year.
Twitter: clover
Here here! Love it.
People are going to think what they want anyway
Yes! Unless you want to wear a robe and hire a 24/hour a day PR person to walk around with you. Actually, that would help at all would it?
Twitter: astrofix8
I was a little afraid I would turn into Walter Mercado, yeah. But even with the robe and the PR person he got a piece of the change, too! Turns out he quit Univision in January.
Change be afoot for everyone these days, even if you are wearing a purple robe.
Twitter: clover
Btw, I find your blog inspirational, not only for content, but also for design ideas. I couldn’t help but notice that you also chose a Woo Theme. I think I’m going to go add the comment luv plugin- it’s great.
Twitter: astrofix8
I’ve been a Woo developer for a little while now; I’ve been treating my own blog here as a bit of a test bed and I’m really enjoying their stuff. Stay tuned… I’m cooking up a new portfolio site and some great new client work.
Twitter: clover
Hi Shannon, really enjoyed reading this.
My degree is in art and journalism but I’d often drop the art when asked what I was studying because of the less than uplifting remarks I’d receive. I was tired of having to defend my choice and get the same piss-taking remarks. Snore. I used journalism as some sort of armour of respectability. So stoopid.
I realised I was undermining my own passion by not claiming it, not saying
‘I am an artist’. you gotta a problem? Go fug yo’self or something along those lines.
I’m becoming less awkward about saying it in the ‘real world’. It’s so much more comfortble on-line, amongst my tribe.
Great article!
I just recently saw that Stephen Colbert’s set has a plaque on it that reads “Videri quam esse.” To seem rather than to be! HA!
Twitter: simonebernhard
That is just great!
Twitter: clover