Saluting Our Former Selves

Photo by Geert Orye (cc)

Yesterday evening I went to an astrology event and ended up reading tarot for the other people at my table. I did a reading for one friend, and even with only a few cards we had a really riveting discussion. It very clearly showed that he had reached the conclusion of the career path he currently has, and whether he stayed in that place or moved on he would need to really head in a new direction to keep growing and to avoid stagnation. He was at a very natural end of this particular path.

“You’re not just changing careers here,” I told him. “You’re changing phases.”

Change is a lot of work. It’s hard even when we want it, even when we’re ready to do it. One of the reasons it’s so hard to choose a new path, and commit to a new stage of growth, is that by definition we’re deciding against doing other things. Holding ourselves back lets us leave the door open on all those other choices just a little longer… just in case. It hurts to shut the door on something we care about, or have invested a lot of ourselves in, even when those things no longer serve us.

So what to do? We don’t want to be paralyzed by the good stuff, but it can still happen. There are a few ways to soften it up a little:

Recognize what you’re moving toward.

This may be a concrete goal, like becoming self-employed, or it may be an ideal you’re working on expressing more fully, like expressing gratitude for things coming into your life. It’s important to know and be able to articulate at least to yourself, what you want- not just what you don’t want to do anymore.

Acknowledge what you’re giving up in the process.

Every conscious choice requires us to choose not to do something else. Even when we are moving toward what we want, we’re still giving up something to do it. Sometimes we’re ambivalent about getting what we’ve worked for, because we’re not letting ourselves mourn the passing of the old things. For example, if you’re moving toward self-employment you will be giving up a steady paycheck, and external structure, a reliable routine, social connections with co-workers, and other things associated with working a “normal” job. Even though you want the flexibility and freedom of working for yourself, these other things are not bad and so it can be hard to choose to give them up. Forcing that ambivalence to stay underground often comes up as resistance and procrastination… sound familiar? I’m still working on this; even being able to name it is a big step.

Give yourself permission to adjust.

Transitions take time. And they always take more time than you want them to. Sometimes part of honoring those things you’re giving up or not-choosing is really mourning them. That takes time too. It’s sad to watch people grit their teeth and tell themselves no dammit, I should be happy because I’m getting what I said I wanted and it’s supposed to feel amazing, even when that’s not always how they’re feeling. It’s ok to be conflicted about the good stuff too.

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I almost titled this post “Mourning Our Former Selves”, but I don’t mean it to be such a negative idea. But all these old pieces, the old relationships, the old pastimes and hard lessons, have been part of you even if they’re not who you are anymore. So be kind to yourself as you move forward, please. There is time and space for all of it, and you’re doing enough right now. If you needed to be doing more you would be doing it. Let everything unfold in its right time.